HALEY KATHARINE PENDLETON
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the summer months

8/3/2018

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The past few months have felt like a whirlwind. On the day of our april baby's due date I found out I was pregnant. I'll never forget that feeling of hope on a day of grief, and what felt like such a surreal moment. There is beauty in pain, and I'll never stop learning that; or rather you can't know beauty without knowing the hard times. 

I'm not one for a lot of pregnancy updates on social media, but I do love looking back and reading how I felt through big moments, so if you find this, here's how we're doing. She's due in december. Will felt her kick for the first time the other night, so many new things that fascinate us. Like how she's already wedged in my heart so tightly and I just can't wait to meet her. She's a night owl like both of us, the only time I can feel her is 11pm and on. I pretty much slept through the whole first trimester and felt like I was coming out of a cloud of haze when I entered the second trimester. At about twelve weeks I felt her, which is super early on, her little kicks. Having gone through loss and anxiety I look forward to it and feel so reassured to feel her. 

I dont know what the next few months will entail, but as december edges closer and closer I feel lucky to see her and know her more. 
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recently

2/28/2018

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recently in points
- my best friend and I fulfilled a ten year long promise of going to harry potter world together, which was amazing and hilarious all in one. 
- ate at sassetta, their food is amazing and their design was beautiful.
- went to denver, arkansas, and road tripped through louisiana, mississippi, alabama, and florida
- can't stop listening to night shift by lucy dacus
- somehow keeping up with my goodreads challenge of reading 30 books this year (favorite so far- the year of magical thinking by joan didion)
- walked around in awe at the statler

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feels like fall

11/15/2017

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There's so much beauty in reaching out, being vulnerable, throwing a part of your heart into the void and seeing the response of people when you're willing to share your story. Through this time I've realized we'll always be longing for someone, someplace, something that's not with us. We'll always crave comfort; But I have come to learn this: this world will never be what we want it to be this side of heaven. I'll always try to stand on my tip toes and peek over the fence, but until then I'll hope and dream of the something more I so long to have. I'm truly grateful for all the people who told me that I'm not alone from my last blog post, shared their story, and expressed their love. It's so compelling to hear all the women who've experience the grief and loss of miscarriage and I'm just thankful to have this little corner to share my story. So, to all of you, thanks. 
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recently in points
- went to savannah to hang with some of my favorite gals
- drove to KC for the weekend and went to two pumpkin patches, had three lattes, and hugged my sister.
- started rewatching the OC, just so good/ and started watching Riverdale... the inner 15 year old in me loves it. 
- got readdicted to Weekend Coffee's vanilla latte. 
- went to the Texas state fair that came and went wayy too quickly. 
- started reading beloved, by toni morrison, amazing.
- started listening to the your creative start podcast that has so much goodness packed into one spot for being a creative and the constant struggle of working in your field and keeping up your practice (all in an awesome Australian accent).  
- on the topic of podcasts, a friend recently reminded me of the manrepeller podcast monocycle with the founder, leandra medine. she speaks really openly and honestly about miscarriage, infertility, ect and its just a refreshing voice to hear on the subject. some good ones are this one and this one.
- lastly I saw this video last week on the difference between sympathy and empathy by brene 
brown and I havent been able to stop thinking about it since. 
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seven weeks and one day

10/28/2017

7 Comments

 
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We were pregnant with our first little baby. It would come in April. And I started dreaming of spring months filled with three people in our family, a part of us out in the world growing and learning, all changes we welcomed and prayed for. All day I spoke to the little life inside me saying silly things and telling it how much I loved it already. 

About a month ago we went to the doctor to hear the heart beat.

And we didn’t hear anything. It had stopped growing. In the same hour I went from the happiest I’ve ever felt to the lowest moment of my life. I heard all about how normal miscarriage is. The whole experience left me shocked, confused and in the most grief I’ve ever felt.

Moving on feels impossible. So many casual conversations seem to be filled with talk of things I'm still mourning. Things that feel tender and raw. Every baby, every laugh, every small talk inquiry of our family future. One second I'm sitting alone or standing in a room filled with people and the next second grief is right beside me, so close to me I can't breathe. It's hard to have things taken from you, and even harder to realize that it was never even yours to begin with. This child was never mine, and while I don't understand why I was chosen to only steward it's life for just 7 weeks and 1 day, I'll always think of it, always dream, always know there's one who's not here. 

The loss of the life inside of me, it's marked me. 

I think the thing that has made me the most sad, and brought me the most ache is the lack of acknowledgement of the life that was in me. People's language is so sterile. When is my appointment, how do I feel physically, what's my recovery timeline. People are praying for me. It's going to be ok. Miscarriages are normal. I'm learning that it's hard for people to sit in the hard, in the raw emotions and just acknowledge the pain. We like happy endings. We feel uncomfortable when the end of a conversation isn't resolved with a pretty bow on top. 

And it's hard to succumb to the happy simple messages people say to me. I want to fight to protect the profound worth and the space of little one that no longer is. It makes me so angry that the only babies that get to be celebrated and acknowledged are the ones who are successfully born. My baby was small and teeny tiny, just the size of a blue berry, but it had a soul, and I loved it with all of my heart. I feel a burden for all the babies and humans. That their lives would be celebrated no matter how they have entered this world and no matter when or how they went to be with Jesus. Life is sacred. 

I've learned that the title mother applies to more women than just ones with biological babies in their arms. There are mamas with lots of babies, there are those who don't have any, mothers who have longed to be one, there are those who have babies that aren't with us anymore, and those that care for ones as their own. To all of you, you're all mothers. No matter how unconventionally or how long you cared for a sweet life- you are a mother. 

I'm a mother. To a sweet baby that only lived inside me for seven weeks and one day. And even though selfishly I wanted to cuddle it, to hear its laugh, and to see its eyes, I know the little one I got to carry is in the best home I could have dreamt for it.
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story artifacts no.1

8/7/2017

4 Comments

 
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Since I was really little, I've loved the fact that things have a history and a story. I've loved the way things can be artifacts for memories; they can transport us back to pieces of our story. When I drink coffee out of my Nana's cow mug, all of a sudden I'm six and in her kitchen beside her while she cooks. I can see her walk into the room; I can remember her smell. When I reread Will's first letters to me (the ones he wrote me when we just 'liked' each other) I have butterflies back to that summer. This isn't a new concept- we all have a keepsake box full of things we don't necessarily know what to do with but also would never throw away, birthday cards, rocks, wrappers, a couple photos. But I think spaces are most beautiful when that's the stuff that fills our homes. This year we moved into a little Dallas duplex and it's the first place that has felt like home in years. Shopping at thrift stores and estate sales is something seen as a consolation experience for some people. For me it's a treasure hunt of story artifacts. The craigslist table with the chip on the corner is beautiful because it has served many before me. Imperfection is beautiful. 

This is why I loved fibers so much. I got to use my hands to make something tangible with a use and a story. I got to weave my own story into each row on my loom. Things with purpose and meaning. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy buying new, high quality things and would totally pass up three cheaply made shirts to save up for that one great pair of jeans at Madewell (if you haven't tried a pair of their unicorn infused denim, stop reading now and go to your closest franchise).

So here's the mantra I'm freeing myself to live into: live around the artifacts that remind you of your story. 
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4 Comments

disney world

7/13/2017

3 Comments

 
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So if you know Will, you definitely know one thing: he loves disney. I think for him, its not just the characters, the movies or the rides, it's the minds behind it all and the desire to dream and create for others. But he loves Wall-EE too. His sweet parents took us to disney world this past june along with his sister and her husband and tiny baby. I, along with all the other children in the world, grew up watching some movies and disney channel (radio disney??), but it's more than that for the Pendletons, it's a common bond and a passion. We took along my polaroid for the trip and here are just a few of the best. We walked away full, exhausted, and happy. 
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Heres a little video of our trip as well! 
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kansas city, i love you.

6/29/2017

1 Comment

 
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Recently Will and I made a quick trip up to Kansas City to see my sister. Not only do I love Kansas City because it holds some of my favorite people, but because of the city itself. There's so many little pockets of good, and I'm always sad to go. 

This road trip also wrapped up the last of Will and I's two year long road trip venturing (not for good but we were at a point where we were road tripping every weekend and doing long distance). And while I'm ready to sit and slow down, it was a bit sad. We've driven through 18 states in the past 2 years, seen such beauty, had great food/ crappy food, and smiled so much along the way. I would not want to do it with anyone else more than Will. 

This time feels like a new page, but I'm so glad we could do it and take what we have seen into this paragraph (not so much a page, but not so much a chapter).
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when we visit KC: 
- we went to Goat Hill everyday (no lie), it's probably a good thing we don't live there. 
- waited for an hour and a half for Kansas City Joes, and it was so worth it, the Z Man is actually the best thing, and Will's favorite meal in the whole world. it's a small (although wildly popular) BBQ joint in a gas station that has everyone waiting out the door for every day. 
- had a Harry Potter movie marathon with my sister- a love language of mine.
- found Mexico vanilla at a market (which is so hard to come by)(by found i mean Meredith showed me where she found it). 
- lazy river-ed it up. my sister has this thing for pools and has one she goes to probably every other day with a lazy river. best. thing. 
- listened to Harry Potter on audiobook (team Jim Dale alllll the way). 
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hey dallas, we're back!

6/4/2017

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It's so strange its been almost a month since moving. It's weird being new to a place that's been home before, and realizing its a new start in an old place. When I first moved away from home I swore I would never come back, but yet my heart has warmed to Dallas in the years apart (literally missing the heat) and we're back. And, I like it. Time is just funny like that. Here's our past months of the ups and downs (but really mostly ups). 
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recently in points
- will graduated college! i can and can't believe its all done. 
- a shirt I designed with WITH home supply is now being sold in their store! (and online here).
- moving to Dallas and finding a dreamy spot we never would have guessed we would live in
- went to hg sply co for drinks (the strawberry smash is amazing)
- we have a porch swing and we've swung on it everyday and love it.
- village baking co- an old classic but we've gone so often it needs to be mentioned.
- walked around all of White Rock Lake for memorial day (10 miles with no sunscreen...sorry mom)
- scored some kentucky stick chairs on craigslist, what a gem
- listened to "real peach" by henry jamison on repeat, the rest of my playlist junius is here (for the two of you reading this)


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savannah

4/25/2017

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This place is magical. A few weeks back we got to go to Savannah, a place that will always have so much meaning to me. It's where I went to school, found a community of people I adored, the first place that felt like home that wasn't, and where Will and I lived our first year of marriage. 

I always get asked what it was like to live around such beauty and history, and it really was amazing, but it was the people there that always made me open my eyes wider. I realize that we were living the dream. Living within a few mile radius of all your best friends is such a rarity, and I'll never stop looking back to those years. Savannah itself is just quirky and hilarious. One second you could be stuck behind a trolley bus full of tourists, and the next behind a carriage. But its got character to say the least and every time Will and I go we always ask why we aren't moving back there.

My best friend Sophie got married and I honestly couldn't be more excited about it. She's such a beauty and to get to see her marry Brooks was a moment I'll always think back to fondly. They're just the kind of people I feel I can be my whole self around, honest. Sophie and I met at a pancake breakfast and from that moment on I knew I had to be her friend and we pretty much were from the start. And when she met Brooks he just became like family to me. Sophie would come and wake me up with coffee some days at my house in college and make my day to day stresses not seem so big. And Brooks was always kind and willing to listen, once on a road trip when Will and I had just said goodbye for 6 months (we were engaged and he studied abroad in Rome) Brooks just let me cry on and off for 2 hours while making conversation. Its just so refreshing to have friends that know and love you even when life feels hard and overwhelming. They are just even that much better together. So, here's to you, Tompkins!
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when we visit Savannah:
- Foxy Loxy for the best place to hang out with our pals / coffee / kolaches
- take walks in Ardsley Park
- go to Lucky's market- this just has so much sentimental meaning to us because it was our grocery store.. but it really is amazing.
- Daffin Park is pretty much the most beautiful park to take a walk in.
- The Atlantic, only been there once since it opened but, damn, that place is good. 
- Paris Market, so much beauty and antiques, but to be honest I've probably bought one thing from there, I just love looking around and ordering a pink sparkling lemonade.
- hang out with all our Savannah people. Gosh I just love them so much.
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currently

4/24/2017

2 Comments

 
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Being out of school just creates so much uncertainty. It feels like everyone has it all figured out when really they don't. I think I thought that I would have my life laid out by now, but life is so funny in that way, and I've just been learning that I'll never be done growing and there is beauty in that and showing your vulnerability through the unknown. Something I keep telling myself (and my friends laugh at me for because it could easily be written on a coffee mug) is life really is too short to do anything you don't want to do and to be in a unhealthy environment. Just go with your gut and trust it. Looking back on so many times I can see that I knew within the first couple of hours something wasn't right for me. I often want to do the "right thing", which tends to make me stick around in something long after I should be out. 

So to be completely honest, I'm looking for a job and it has been one of stranger times of my life. And if I am going to be completely totally transparent, I had a job, and long story short, it was not a great fit and for me due to the lack of communication and training and the amount of stress and anxiety I was feeling was unhealthy. I was made to feel inconvenient for being new, and that's not something I want from a place I spend eight plus hours a day. I just want to be in a space that encourages learning and training with respect, because honestly, that's how you grow. But because it's what I thought I should do, I stayed while everyday knowing this was not my path. I wanted to try to squeeze into it. After all this I have realized to force something that won't be is just useless and disappointing. 

The other day Will and I were taking a walk and he asked me if I knew what a weed was. When I answered that I didn't he said, "a weed is a flower that grows in the wrong place." Its hard to not feel that way now, with a million directions I could go, but I choose to know I'll get this figured out and one day the path will feel less wobbly. ​
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recently in points:
- the podcast Making Oprah. I've had a lot of time in the car recently and podcasts have been the best way to pass the time. Wow, she's just such an encouragement and hearing Oprah's story and intention behind the show was just all together inspiring. (Also let me just take a moment to state my appreciation for podcasts and for the people who listen to me rant about them time after time.)
- went to Will's place in the tiny town of Leslie, AR for Easter, where Will rode in the back of a pickup truck in a beach chair through the woods
- bought strawberries off the side of the road
- hiked Devil's Den and got lost 
- drove to Dallas, TX to meet my sister for a wedding and ate at our new favorite favorite place, TOASTED coffee + kitchen (the ricotta be kidding me is amazing).
- finally made it to the Frank Lloyd Wright house at Crystal Bridges. Worth the wait for sure. 
- started The Handmaid's Tale.. its the most moving piece of television I've seen in a while (as an avid TV watcher, thats saying something ha..)
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