The past few months have felt like a whirlwind. On the day of our april baby's due date I found out I was pregnant. I'll never forget that feeling of hope on a day of grief, and what felt like such a surreal moment. There is beauty in pain, and I'll never stop learning that; or rather you can't know beauty without knowing the hard times. 

I'm not one for a lot of pregnancy updates on social media, but I do love looking back and reading how I felt through big moments, so if you find this, here's how we're doing. She's due in december. Will felt her kick for the first time the other night, so many new things that fascinate us. Like how she's already wedged in my heart so tightly and I just can't wait to meet her. She's a night owl like both of us, the only time I can feel her is 11pm and on. I pretty much slept through the whole first trimester and felt like I was coming out of a cloud of haze when I entered the second trimester. At about twelve weeks I felt her, which is super early on, her little kicks. Having gone through loss and anxiety I look forward to it and feel so reassured to feel her. 

I dont know what the next few months will entail, but as december edges closer and closer I feel lucky to see her and know her more. 

There's so much beauty in reaching out, being vulnerable, throwing a part of your heart into the void and seeing the response of people when you're willing to share your story. Through this time I've realized we'll always be longing for someone, someplace, something that's not with us. We'll always crave comfort; But I have come to learn this: this world will never be what we want it to be this side of heaven. I'll always try to stand on my tip toes and peek over the fence, but until then I'll hope and dream of the something more I so long to have. I'm truly grateful for all the people who told me that I'm not alone from my last blog post, shared their story, and expressed their love. It's so compelling to hear all the women who've experience the grief and loss of miscarriage and I'm just thankful to have this little corner to share my story. So, to all of you, thanks. 

We were pregnant with our first little baby. It would come in April. And I started dreaming of spring months filled with three people in our family, a part of us out in the world growing and learning, all changes we welcomed and prayed for. All day I spoke to the little life inside me saying silly things and telling it how much I loved it already. 

About a month ago we went to the doctor to hear the heart beat.

And we didn’t hear anything. It had stopped growing. In the same hour I went from the happiest I’ve ever felt to the lowest moment of my life. I heard all about how normal miscarriage is. The whole experience left me shocked, confused and in the most grief I’ve ever felt.

Moving on feels impossible. So many casual conversations seem to be filled with talk of things I'm still mourning. Things that feel tender and raw. Every baby, every laugh, every small talk inquiry of our family future. One second I'm sitting alone or standing in a room filled with people and the next second grief is right beside me, so close to me I can't breathe. It's hard to have things taken from you, and even harder to realize that it was never even yours to begin with. This child was never mine, and while I don't understand why I was chosen to only steward it's life for just 7 weeks and 1 day, I'll always think of it, always dream, always know there's one who's not here. 

The loss of the life inside of me, it's marked me. 

I think the thing that has made me the most sad, and brought me the most ache is the lack of acknowledgement of the life that was in me. People's language is so sterile. When is my appointment, how do I feel physically, what's my recovery timeline. People are praying for me. It's going to be ok. Miscarriages are normal. I'm learning that it's hard for people to sit in the hard, in the raw emotions and just acknowledge the pain. We like happy endings. We feel uncomfortable when the end of a conversation isn't resolved with a pretty bow on top. 

And it's hard to succumb to the happy simple messages people say to me. I want to fight to protect the profound worth and the space of little one that no longer is. It makes me so angry that the only babies that get to be celebrated and acknowledged are the ones who are successfully born. My baby was small and teeny tiny, just the size of a blue berry, but it had a soul, and I loved it with all of my heart. I feel a burden for all the babies and humans. That their lives would be celebrated no matter how they have entered this world and no matter when or how they went to be with Jesus. Life is sacred. 

I've learned that the title mother applies to more women than just ones with biological babies in their arms. There are mamas with lots of babies, there are those who don't have any, mothers who have longed to be one, there are those who have babies that aren't with us anymore, and those that care for ones as their own. To all of you, you're all mothers. No matter how unconventionally or how long you cared for a sweet life- you are a mother. 

I'm a mother. To a sweet baby that only lived inside me for seven weeks and one day. And even though selfishly I wanted to cuddle it, to hear its laugh, and to see its eyes, I know the little one I got to carry is in the best home I could have dreamt for it.

So if you know Will, you definitely know one thing: he loves disney. I think for him, its not just the characters, the movies or the rides, it's the minds behind it all and the desire to dream and create for others. But he loves Wall-EE too. His sweet parents took us to disney world this past june along with his sister and her husband and tiny baby. I, along with all the other children in the world, grew up watching some movies and disney channel (radio disney??), but it's more than that for the Pendletons, it's a common bond and a passion. We took along my polaroid for the trip and here are just a few of the best. We walked away full, exhausted, and happy. 

Heres a little video of our trip as well! 

Recently Will and I made a quick trip up to Kansas City to see my sister. Not only do I love Kansas City because it holds some of my favorite people, but because of the city itself. There's so many little pockets of good, and I'm always sad to go. 

This road trip also wrapped up the last of Will and I's two year long road trip venturing (not for good but we were at a point where we were road tripping every weekend and doing long distance). And while I'm ready to sit and slow down, it was a bit sad. We've driven through 18 states in the past 2 years, seen such beauty, had great food/ crappy food, and smiled so much along the way. I would not want to do it with anyone else more than Will. 

This time feels like a new page, but I'm so glad we could do it and take what we have seen into this paragraph (not so much a page, but not so much a chapter).

It's so strange its been almost a month since moving. It's weird being new to a place that's been home before, and realizing its a new start in an old place. When I first moved away from home I swore I would never come back, but yet my heart has warmed to Dallas in the years apart (literally missing the heat) and we're back. And, I like it. Time is just funny like that. Here's our past months of the ups and downs (but really mostly ups). 

This place is magical. A few weeks back we got to go to Savannah, a place that will always have so much meaning to me. It's where I went to school, found a community of people I adored, the first place that felt like home that wasn't, and where Will and I lived our first year of marriage. 

I always get asked what it was like to live around such beauty and history, and it really was amazing, but it was the people there that always made me open my eyes wider. I realize that we were living the dream. Living within a few mile radius of all your best friends is such a rarity, and I'll never stop looking back to those years. Savannah itself is just quirky and hilarious. One second you could be stuck behind a trolley bus full of tourists, and the next behind a carriage. But its got character to say the least and every time Will and I go we always ask why we aren't moving back there.

My best friend Sophie got married and I honestly couldn't be more excited about it. She's such a beauty and to get to see her marry Brooks was a moment I'll always think back to fondly. They're just the kind of people I feel I can be my whole self around, honest. Sophie and I met at a pancake breakfast and from that moment on I knew I had to be her friend and we pretty much were from the start. And when she met Brooks he just became like family to me. Sophie would come and wake me up with coffee some days at my house in college and make my day to day stresses not seem so big. And Brooks was always kind and willing to listen, once on a road trip when Will and I had just said goodbye for 6 months (we were engaged and he studied abroad in Rome) Brooks just let me cry on and off for 2 hours while making conversation. Its just so refreshing to have friends that know and love you even when life feels hard and overwhelming. They are just even that much better together. So, here's to you, Tompkins!

Being out of school just creates so much uncertainty. It feels like everyone has it all figured out when really they don't. I think I thought that I would have my life laid out by now, but life is so funny in that way, and I've just been learning that I'll never be done growing and there is beauty in that and showing your vulnerability through the unknown. Something I keep telling myself (and my friends laugh at me for because it could easily be written on a coffee mug) is life really is too short to do anything you don't want to do and to be in a unhealthy environment. Just go with your gut and trust it. Looking back on so many times I can see that I knew within the first couple of hours something wasn't right for me. I often want to do the "right thing", which tends to make me stick around in something long after I should be out. 

So to be completely honest, I'm looking for a job and it has been one of stranger times of my life. And if I am going to be completely totally transparent, I had a job, and long story short, it was not a great fit and for me due to the lack of communication and training and the amount of stress and anxiety I was feeling was unhealthy. I was made to feel inconvenient for being new, and that's not something I want from a place I spend eight plus hours a day. I just want to be in a space that encourages learning and training with respect, because honestly, that's how you grow. But because it's what I thought I should do, I stayed while everyday knowing this was not my path. I wanted to try to squeeze into it. After all this I have realized to force something that won't be is just useless and disappointing. 

The other day Will and I were taking a walk and he asked me if I knew what a weed was. When I answered that I didn't he said, "a weed is a flower that grows in the wrong place." Its hard to not feel that way now, with a million directions I could go, but I choose to know I'll get this figured out and one day the path will feel less wobbly. ​